I’ve been up in my head a lot this week. I can’t help it really. There’s been a lot going on. Every time I try to combat one errant thought or emotion, another one crops up. It’s like the Whack-A-Mole of the dysfunction. Fear. Bam! Insecurity. Bam! Economic worries. Bam!
But as I sit here, I know all these things I am feeling and thinking are not real. They are manifestations of powerlessness and fear. I have a friend who always says, “My mind is out to kill me.” The melodramatic nature of that comment makes it hard for me to take it seriously, but I understand the sentiment.
If this past month had occurred when I was still drinking, I would not have been able to quiet the self-loathing and anger that dominates my particle brand of crazy. I would have fallen into a depression, the kind that results in lost jobs and torched relationships. I would have spent the coming month locked in my apartment sure that only antiseptic isolation and lots of vodka would decontaminate my life of chaos.
That’s what’s so incredible about AA; recovery is completely counter intuitive. You think there’s no way sober is better than drunk, but it is. You think there’s no way confronting problems head on is easier than ignoring them, but it is. You think there’s no way this stuff could work, and but it does. And then, it works again. And then you stay sober long enough, you realize it not a fluke. It always works. Working steps works and gratitude lists work, service works, talking works. And that is how faith in the program and in ourselves slowly begins to grow.
I do not need to dull my thoughts today because I have enough recovery in me to differentiate the false from the true. I know which ideas are based in fiction rather than reality, fear rather than strength. Once I pause, once I allow second thought to enter the picture, I can then act accordingly. I can quiet the crazy and move forward. One thought at a time. One day at a time.
4 thoughts on “Sometimes, It’s One Thought at a Time”
I love this post! I say Whack A Mole about my character defects! Isn’t it a great visual analogy? Your writing is beautiful and it is indeed a better life sober, regardless of daily circumstances. Keep up the fabulous writing!
Thank you, Leslie. I always enjoy a compliment!
So… I keep meaning to start a dialogue with you. I enjoy your writing and your picture makes me smile. It sounds like you have been sober a while even if the blog is new. Is that correct? I related to your first entry about the perfect first post. I had the same dilemma. Now, I try to keep to my schedule, just take a deep breath and hit “publish” before I chicken out. My writing is never going to be as perfect as I want it, but I do not what my ideal hindering my journey. I’m not sure that makes sense. Anywho, thank you for commenting, and I hope you have a great day.
“And that is how faith in the program and in ourselves slowly begins to grow.” And grow it does! Every step feels like a tremendous leap of faith. Until one day you look behind you and see how far you’ve come. Something’s gotta be working. And so you keep at it for another day. And another day after that. And another. Continued blessings in your journey.